Stress

I feel high levels of stress when I feel out of control. 

I feel out of control when things are not going my way.

I feel out of control when I cannot see the end goal clearly. 

I feel out of control when I give into my insecurities & want external validation. 

I feel out of control when I sense that others are trying to one up or gain control over me. 

 

Sooo…I find stress in many, many places in my life. And I am finally learning to accept that stress will be there but it does not have to rule my life…and quite frankly, I cannot run away from it. Instead, I am learning that in the midst of stress, it is good to breathe, it is good to write…find a way to get back into my body. And it is good to reframe the situation so that I can feel a way of being successful and focus on what I can control — instead of focusing on all of the variables I cannot control & that which cause me stress. 

Learning and growing…its all I can do…and I am grateful for these lessons and experiences. Thank you God. 

 

Let. Go.

Let. Go. 

 

This summer has been a process of letting go of that which no longer serves me. Trusting my gut allows me to let go of which is draining me…and it reminds me that I am not superwoman. That there are days I am absolutely drained, absolutely depleted and lose my way. That I am not always feeling powerful and incredible…that I have my days of feeling like I am almost drowning. 

And my intuition is my lifeboat, no matter how hard the ocean rages. She pulls me back to myself, reminds me of what is yet to be born within me and raises me above foolishness or nonsense. She picks me up when I have no more to give. She restores me when I get stained and tossed aside. She pulls me up, shakes me off and shows me that I have so much more to give to this world — and that God is not done with me yet. She shows me that if I am fighting to hold onto something, chances are very, very high that it is because God is trying to move it out of my life to make room for something more.

So…LET.IT.GO. You know exactly what I am talking about…

Stay Where You Are Valued

“If its a good idea, go ahead and do it. It’s much easier to apologize than it is to get permission” 

– Grace Hopper

 

In life, I have always sought permission first above anything else. It is what I learned during my childhood and I’m beginning to wonder whether or not this was a good lesson. I am realizing that my underlying “need” to seek permission/get approval from members of ‘authority’ who are quite often hot fucking messes. I believe that I tell myself that it is the “right” thing to do and/or that I would appreciate someone asking my own permission — but I am realizing more & more, that oftentimes, this is not how things work themselves out. And more importantly, that most people are going to tell you “no” simply because they can. So why not just dance around them and do what you want to do? 

I don’t believe this applies all helter-skelter in the world of love and family but in business? Fuck these crazy folks and just do you. Especially when you have put in your time, effort and intelligence…and have had the door pushed back on you consistently. 

The more I reflect on it, the more I realize how I need to stop using “being polite”, “needing approval”, “seeking permission”, or wanting to be the “good girl” to get in my way. I am WAY too powerful to hold my own damn self back. And if I am not being valued? GET THE HELL ON.

To drive home my point, read this excerpt from this really powerful article yesterday that resonated with me:

STAY WHERE YOU ARE VALUED

Learn to distinguish being used from being valued.

When you feel depleted, diminished, and discouraged, you’re being used.

When you feel enriched, empowered, and encouraged, you’re valued.

When your contributions are unseen, unmentioned, and unrewarded, you’re being used.

When your contributions are acknowledged, appreciated, and advertised, you’re valued.

Listen quietly to your heart, and you’ll know if you’re valued.

 

– See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/five-words-that-will-change-your-life-fiff/#sthash.3apnAKmD.dpuf

 

 

Hold onto your crazy…

Some days, I feel so exasperated and exhausted from foolishness from other people that I just feel…dull. Like, I am whittled down and all of the energy has been sucked out of me. 

And then at other times, I feel incredibly alive. Yesterday evening while having an awkward and honest conversation, I found myself feeling alive, laughing so hard and just having a lot of fun — very much to my surprise. 

Life is sometimes a roller-coaster…but feeling alive is what you must hold onto. When I heard about Robin Williams’ passing, I was so very sad…but still felt alive. 

Hold onto your humanness like it is your last breath. Or as Robin would say…

Trust issues…

I don’t give my heart away…ever. 

I love…but I always keep my eyes open. Always.

I only trust my heart to myself fully. I know her better than anyone else ever could. And I keep her healthy, open and safe. 

Sounds harsh and cruel, yes. 

But I believe this is the only way we truly can love another without losing ourselves.

And I refuse to lose myself in another…refuse. 

And maybe…just maybe…I am hoping that someone will prove me wrong. 

 

Until then…my heart stays with me. 

My Intuition Loves Me

Yesterday, the Universe revealed proof of what my intuition had been feeling for months. 

My rational mind was wrong…it was not me fighting demons. It was not me being scared of trusting another nor me being fearful of taking a leap of faith. It was plain and simple — my intuition knew something was off and because I am a logical person, I have been awaiting physical proof to guide me. 

I’m learning to trust my intuition above everything else regardless of what my rational mind needs. Because I trusted her, I never allowed myself to jump both feet first into this current situation. Because of her, I slowly revealed myself — allowing myself to sit back and learn more about the man who was presenting himself to me. And now? Now, I’ve made my choice. Now what my intuition was trying to guide me to see has been revealed. 

Do I regret the experience? Not at all. In this short amount of time, I have learned how to more fully trust and embrace my intuition. I have learned how to be more vocal with the men in my life and not be scared to share with them how I feel — good or bad. I have learned how to trust in God and the Universe that beauty is found in each and every experience. I have learned how to let go of what is not right for me…knowing that another door will be opened when one door closes. 

I have learned…what faith looks like when it comes to my heart. I am sure I will continue to learn various levels of it and will continue to experience trials and challenges along the way. But I am grateful for what I have learned, experienced and trusted. God is so beautiful. 

Do you see your demons?

 

I’m beginning to see my demons more clearly…beginning to experience how I do not allow myself to trust any man to truly get close to my heart. How I operate from a space of completely being disinterested and detached in the beginning of any relationship with a man. And then when my heart begins to become involved as he aims to gain attention & earn my respect, I begin to find every single thing that he does as a reason to not trust him. I begin to research whether or not he is passive aggressive, whether or not he is a narcissist, whether or not he is an asshole, someone terrible to keep around, someone who has a horrible past, someone who plays a victim…someone who is going to eventually tear my heart apart and leave me a hollow shell of my former self. I am vigilant against an unassuming attack upon my psyche and my being — my biggest fear is that I will end up as my mother did in her relationship with my father. 

I don’t want to be consistently disrespected. Made fun of because my weight gain, torn down for my sheer existence. Completely unaware of how my victimizing of myself allows me to continue to attract men who don’t want to actually be in a committed relationship with me — although they can see a beautiful future with me. I am so terrified of it and actually hate any time anyone in my life plays the victim card themselves. 

But…I am beginning to notice that I play the victim card my damn self. I swing like a pendulum from completely seeing how I have played a role in destroying relationships with men to how none of these were ever going to be a good enough fit for me anyway. Damn…how am I ever going to experience and enjoy the beauty & joy of a loving, emotionally available relationship if this fear still has such a fierce hold on me? 

Sadly…I don’t know…

Because I’m happy…?

I wonder if I am encouraging myself to have happy feelings for the sake of having happy feelings? I wonder if I am not allowing myself to just feel shitty somedays and feel like things suck…because sometimes, for all of us, they just do. I am a very goal-oriented person and I have committed myself to finding a happy moment each and every single day. And I have also committed myself to being more open and available to being in a committed relationship as this is something I have wanted for some time. So…since I am not only goal-oriented but kinda like a heat-seeking missile once I’ve locked onto a goal, I find myself moving steadily in the direction of achieving these ‘goals’. But now? Now I just feel like it is kind of boring…asking myself questions like is he cute enough? is he sexy enough? Why is he so kind to me? Why is he still present? Where is my strife? Where is my pain? Where is the ish that makes me want to scream and cause me heartache as he pulls away?

Ok…re-reading that last part and now I’m wondering why I even am asking those questions. For all of my life and everything I have experienced and gone through, I still cannot seem to shake the idea that I need to feel pain and struggle in order for my life and what I accomplish to be of value. It is almost like I am uncomfortable when things go smoothly…hmmm, what is that about? Maybe its because I grew up in a household where some argument was always happening, some strife was always occurring, some tension was always present…basically, the other shoe always dropped. And intellectually, I know that I don’t want that havoc to be wrought on my life all of the time — but I guess, old habits die hard. I am so used to fucked up relationships that when I get something potentially positive, it is difficult for me to settle into it. It is difficult for me to accept it, roll with it and even grow with it. 

So…maybe…it is not so bad that I am focusing on the happy moments and the positive things in my life. Shoot, clearly I have enough demons just waiting for me to fall back into their arms — can’t let them win that easily, right? 

Do not settle for less than joy.

Read this piece on The Good Men Project just now and had to share this quote. I believe in responsibility of self above all other things…and am very aware of how we manifest our own lives (and learning more still every single day). If we all were more self-aware of our inherent responsibility for our own happiness, then we would spend less time agonizing over why someone is a particular way and instead focusing on who we are and finding the best match for us. A friend of mine got married yesterday and he is a complete over-the-top romantic. You know what he did? He found a woman who fits and loves all of that about him…he didn’t try to change himself nor did she try to change him. So…be responsible for you and go out to find someone who fits you — so you don’t end up settling for anything less than joy

What if we were just patient, and refused to settle for anything less than pure joy? What if we stopped believing that relationships were “work” and, instead, believed them to be effortless? Sure, it would be different than anything most of our parents had tried, but would it work?? 

I honestly don’t know, but I refuse to repeat the old patterns in my life any longer. Instead, I don’t want to awaken a love in a woman, I want her to understand her own responsibility in awakening it in herself. I don’t want to assume responsibility for her happiness, or her mine, but rather would like to keep that responsibility right where it belongs. I don’t want to demand honesty and faithfulness from her, I want her to demand those traits from herself. I want it all naturally occurring for the two of us so, in the process, we are not working so hard just to be with each other. Then, we can spend that energy on more fruitful endeavors.

Like orgasms.

See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/four-lessons-for-men-lal/#sthash.RxpsGsOI.dpuf

Don’t Be A Victim.

Feeling torn…

A friend described the implosion of her relationship to me the other day and I felt for her but I also could see how she played a part in the implosion. When I brought her responsibility to the forefront, she wasn’t ready to handle it and took it as a judgment of herself. Which only served to remind me that she still is playing the blame game when it comes to relationships — which is why she cannot see that she played a part in allowing this man to disrespect her. 

But then, do I just feed her with the bullshit of ensuring that a man respect her at all times…even if that means that she blames him for being who he has always presented himself to be? And fails to see how she entertained his nonsense? 

I guess I feel torn between trying to help others figure things and just leaving them be to their own devices. It is hard. I want her to be happy…I want so many people to be happy. And sometimes I find it so difficult to just leave them alone to figure out what it is that I can so clearly see as an outsider. And I don’t say this as if I am a know-it-all or a guru…I say this as someone who truly appreciates when others call me out on my own bullshit. Dammit…I appreciate when someone figuratively throws cold water on my face and helps me out by saving me the trouble of having to live through another heartache when they just let me know the truth about how I am really behaving, you know?! 

But I guess not everyone wants that dosage of honesty. Not all of us want to be told the hard truth…it seems, most of just want someone to vent to and have that person be enraged to validate how we feel — although we know that the situation would have likely ended the way it did anyways. I guess I just can’t…sometimes I realize that I just might be a bitch or a really strong proponent of ‘tough love’ because I really just don’t have the patience for whining. I have a very low threshold for it…if you want to cry over and over about the same ish, even after I have listened to, empathized with and advised you on your situation? I’m not the one. You should probably go find someone else because I will just walk away and leave to your own mess. Does that make me a terrible friend? Maybe. Does that make me a bitch? Possibly. But my patience for people who wish to victimize themselves is very, very thin. Don’t use me as a garbage dump for your martyrdom or victimhood…especially when you refuse to step out of your gunk. 

Guess that’s my PSA for today. And if I’m being really honest with myself…I should quit bullshitting and letting people use me as a garbage dump. Just cut them off while they’re ahead and stop the conversation in its tracks. That way neither of us wastes breath on the foolishness and I don’t end up ranting on this blog to you about something I had control over and chose to let slide. Apologies for that my dears — I’ve just checked myself and will aim to not have it happen again.